Suicide letter 1

To you, I believe I send a Wakening,

None of you know what really is going on with me. You only get bits and pieces. I'm broken and dying. I want to cut myself and cover my entire bedroom with the dark crimson relief. Right now, none of you know that I am going to do this. i want to die. It really doesn't matter I suppose. But, I feel just so abandoned so alone, so dead, so beaten. I don't feel the pain anymore. I am going to do it so I can feel . I am going to do it. So that I can see that my heart is still beating, because it is still beating the blood out of my system. I can feel the burnign in my veins, the itching to do it. Yes, I actually feel my veins itching, and if you have never felt this before then obviosly, you have never actually had the NEED to cut yourself. I am a walking freak. All of the other people in your mind are better then I am. I pale when compared. I am the monster. I am the fault in this world. I am everything that goes wrong in your lives. And you are all going to be saying, oh why? You were so young. Why did you end it now? You don't even know how bad life is. Well, I do not know how bad life is. Because I have not had a BAD life. I have had the lives that all of you believe only happens to other people. Well, more then likely it is happening to you and or your family right now as I bleed. You don't know it. You don't know their pains. You can't see them. But, I garentee that one day, by accident, by watching, by learning, or by curiosty, they are going to find a way to show you all their pains. They will wear them on their bodies. Maybe you'll catch them, maybe right when they start, or several years plater. It doesn't matter, because what you don't know is it NEVER stops. It never does. Jen, I love you so much, and everytime I show one of my faults, I always get hurt. I do. It's like you are telling me to shove them inside, away from the sights of others. Don't let them see, don't let them know you and your monsteriousity. YOU ARE A FAT DUMBASS FREAK. No one would date me, I know. I should be grateful that I have you. And I am, because I know how pathetic I am. And I know how obiously oblivious I am to everything that hurts me in the world. You really want to know why? It's because I am trying to keep myself from getting hurt. I didn't want to cut myself ever again. I really didn't I've been trying so hard. But, then you pull away that shield I so desparetly wanted, and you shove my face in all that leaves these VISABLE wounds. You have desparetly tried your best to help me. I am IRREPAIRABLE. Don't you get it? Don't you understand? Sara, god please...Sara, you are a very good friend, you really are I just suppose that since everyone has their problems everone needs help. What I have done is in no way your fault at all. It was my decision. I made it on my own, and it was me who gave up. It was me who put the blade to my veins and the pills in my throat. Hey, you should be proud of me. I actually took pills. I didn't have to crush them up at all. I don't know how it is that all of you guys put up with me as long as you did. I am unbearable, I know. I really enjoyed ebing able to talk with you Sara. I really enjoyed being your friend. AN di still am. I am always there if you need me. I am in your heart and I will be watching over you, and Jen and everyone else who has at least made the effort to help. God, I don't know Why it was that I never actually went through with this a long time ago. It would have spared all of you from the horrible lives that I have undoubtably given you guys. I HATED MYSELF...Noone of you could have really saved me. I love all of you with all my heart, and you guys were always on my mind.

I love you so much Jennifer, and I think that you should really not think on this to much. This is just a chapter in your life. You will find someone who is and forever will have always been better then me. But, this is my wish, that you never go back to Heather, and or date Chelle. Neither would give you the attention you rightfully deserve.

                                                                    Me